Into the Eyes of Fear

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Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

I sit here stunned.

My husband and I have just ended a phone conversation with Social Security Disability.  While he is headed toward long-term disability from his employer, a requirement is to submit a Social Security Disability application.

The good news?

He will probably get accepted first time through.  (It took me three appeals.)

The bad news?

We won't have any insurance for two years.

If you have a chronic illness, you know how important medical insurance is.

And here comes the testing of my faith.

As I look into that fiery furnace, I am not sure what I feel.

Fear?  Yes, fear is there.  A lot of fear.

Uncertainty?  Oh my ... not knowing what the future will bring.

How can we live - literally live - without the medical care we need?  Neither one of us would survive for long.  We know my husband faces another stem-cell transplant at some point in time. No medications?  I immediately think of my heart issues.

Ok.  I know we are not the only ones facing this.  It has been bravely faced by many - even some of you ... my beloved readers.  Yet, for me - I find I am looking into the eyes of fear.

I know what I have to do.  Have to.  Now.

I  have to turn my eyes to God.

This is a huge one, Lord.

Bigger than I ever expected.

All there is to do is to run to You.

That is truly all there is.

We have now - this moment in time.

And in this moment - this moment of unknowing, this moment of fear, this moment of choice ... I choose You.

I feel an intense sense of emptiness.  But in that emptiness there is a spark of hope.  I think there is always that spark hidden away in the darkness.

Somehow, God will get us through.  

I must wait on Him.

And the testing of my faith?  

I knew it would come.

Father God, Thank you that even in the chaos of today, You are there.  I thank you for the faith you have been nudging me toward each day of my life.  May I stand worthy of Your name.  Amen and amen.

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